Working to demystify domestic abuse and support survivors

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Lexington Observer speaks with Lexington resident Sandy Bornstein, board member and veteran volunteer for Domestic Violence Services Network (DVSN).

LexObserver: Tell us about DVSN. What does the organization do?

Sandy Bornstein: DVSN was started 25 years ago with the mission to help address domestic abuse in all its forms. DVSN operates in 12 towns, including Lexington, and Hanscom Air Force Base. We provide outreach and follow-up services to suspected domestic abuse cases that are referred to us by the police departments in those communities. We have a close working relationships with the police force in each jurisdiction. In fact, Lexington Police Chief (Michael) McLean serves on the DVSN board and is a great supporter. He understands how important this work is.

LO: What sort of services are provided? How does it work?

SB: First, I think it’s important to give context around what abuse is, because there are a lot of misconceptions around abuse. Abuse is not confined to only physical harm. Abuse is when one person is controlling another person’s life and preventing the abused from living an independent life. Abuse takes many forms – calling a partner many times a day to know where he or she is, or convincing someone to slowly stop spending time with family and friends by saying things like, “But I just love you so much and want you to spend all your time with me.” Underlying most abuse situations is a level of emotional manipulation that our services work toward unraveling. 

At DVSN, the majority of the abused people with whom we work – “survivors” – are women abused by a romantic partner. There are some cases where there is abuse of a man in a romantic relationship, or abuse of an elder by a younger caretaker or child. But the patterns are usually the same – loss of contact with family and friends, and heavy if not total dependence on the abuser for social-emotional and financial needs. That’s one of the reasons our services are so important. When we call to follow up, we don’t jump into solutions or try to get the survivor to leave, but rather we offer a listening and nonjudgmental ear. Our clients want to talk to someone about what they’re going through, but often they keep quiet because they’re ashamed and terrified. Having someone listen without judgment is priceless. 

We are there for them throughout. We call again and again. We can set up regular, safe times to talk. We have a Help Line people can call in the case of an urgent need: (888) 399-6111. All of our communication is done over the phone and is completely confidential. We will never show up at someone’s house or meet in person. That is to keep the survivor safe and to keep the volunteer advocates safe.

LO: Do you also help the survivors extricate themselves from the abusive relationship?

SB: We allow our clients to make his or her own decisions. When we reach out, we don’t lay out a list of things that the person “should” or “must” do, because that approach is what the abused person has been experiencing from the abuser, probably for years. It doesn’t allow for trust-building, healing, or fostering the independence the person needs to eventually leave on their own. Our job is to offer support – even the smallest things matter – and make suggestions when appropriate, such as helpful books to read or advice like, “Consider packing a Go Bag with all your important legal documents somewhere that it won’t be found but you can access quickly in case he’s kicking down the door despite a restraining order, and you need to escape out the back with your children.”

But it takes a long time to develop the strength to get out of an abusive relationship. Whether there is physical abuse involved, or the survivor has been psychologically belittled and emotionally manipulated for a long time. If kids are involved, leaving can mean taking them out of school, away from beloved activities and friends. Many people try to leave multiple times, but with the abuser often controlling all the finances, how far can they go without money? And because abusers often make the survivors lose contact with family and friends, it creates both a dependency on the abuser and leaves the survivor with no one to turn to once they leave.

In addition to our phone services, we offer Zoom support groups run by a skilled mental health professional. They can be very rewarding for people who think they are the only ones in the world dealing with domestic abuse. We also provide court accompaniment. For example, if a survivor needs support facing an abuser while seeking a restraining order. 

LO: What do you do with DVSN and what inspired you to get involved?

SB: Some time ago, I was the president of the Temple Isaiah Sisterhood. My co-president and I decided we wanted to get our group actively involved in something that would help the world. We had raised so much money for so many good causes, but we wanted something hands-on. Someone in the Sisterhood was already involved with DVSN and at her recommendation, Pam Awrach – the Sisterhood’s co-president – and I took the training. We found it fit what we had been looking for and gave so much to the community, so we publicized it to the Sisterhood and six people took the training after us. Some of them became phone advocates and supporters. We organized an event in which a survivor came to speak about domestic violence and her experience. The price of admission was one item that would help a survivor to set up a new household after leaving an abuser. We ended up with three vanloads of materials! Today, I continue to work the phones, and I am also a Board member.

LO: How many people are in the organization?

SB: We have six full- and part-time staff and about 50 volunteers at any given time. Our volunteers perform a variety of duties, but many do what I do – make phone calls to those referred to us, follow up with calls to the Help Line, or speak with survivors with whom we have an ongoing relationship. Volunteers go through an extensive 52-hour training before serving with DVSN. 

LO: Is there is one thing you would like Lexingtonians to know about domestic abuse, what would it be?

SB: Domestic abuse is happening in Lexington. Some readers might remember the woman who lived on Baskin Road who was killed by her husband in 2019. It happens regardless of financial status, race, religion…it happens uniformly in all walks of society. I am sure that every reader knows someone dealing with domestic abuse, even if they don’t realize they do.

To learn more about Domestic Violence Services Network, visit DVSN.org.