Twenty years ago, on the May weekend in 2004 just after Massachusetts became the first U.S. state and the sixth jurisdiction in the world to legalize same-sex marriage, Meg Soens and Cecilia D’Oliveira had a small wedding ceremony in their backyard. A few months later, they held a big church wedding. Their parents, four children, almost a dozen siblings and over one hundred friends and neighbors filled in Lexington’s Unitarian Universalist First Parish Church.
Read Part 1 of Meg and Cecilia’s story, about the early years of their relationship, their struggles to gain the acceptance of their families, and the hurdles they faced in starting a family together.
The couple was elated to be legally married. “We felt like we had climbed a mountain,” recalls Meg. “But it wasn’t a done deal.”
Same-sex marriage was legalized in MA following the case of Goodridge v. Dept. of Public Health, in which the state Supreme Court held that “barring an individual from the protections, benefits, and obligations of civil marriage solely because that person would marry a person of the same sex violated the Massachusetts Constitution.” But it wasn’t clear if the ruling would stand. The state legislature had passed a constitutional amendment that would have banned same sex marriage while granting civil unions, which are not the same. If this was passed again in 2005 and approved by voters, it would have become part of the state constitution. “The battle over this amendment went on until January 2007, when we could finally know that people like us were entitled to be married,” Meg says.
Over the next year, Meg split her time between working on defeating the constitutional amendment and working in the local schools. “I was active in the PTA and on the Anti-Bias Committee and thought the schools were becoming more inclusive, but we were the only gay-headed family at the Estabrook School,” she says. “Some of the classrooms in Estabrook had books that were inclusive, but what about other classrooms, other schools, other libraries? How about a lesson on families that teachers in all schools were comfortable with and could do? I felt that on the marriage front we were facing very strong political counter-currents, but that in terms of the schools we were making progress.”
Celia commuted daily to MIT, where both gay rights and elementary schools rarely came up in her workplace. When she got home, the four Oliveira Soens children came home talking about homework, friends, teachers, sports and art projects – nothing unusual. Meg had warm support in the school community and felt she was making a difference.
“We were a happy family, surrounded by good people. We had so much support within our families, with neighbors and at church. But in some ways, we lived in a bubble,” Celia says.
That bubble burst a year after Meg and Celia’s wedding. There were earlier signs of a backlash to both same-sex rights and the informal Anti-Bias curriculum in some of the Lexington schools. Meg still has a scrapbook she kept about the town-wide “Respecting Differences” seminar she organized in 2000. In it are two Letters to the Lexington Minuteman in which residents had registered their disapproval.
“I am very concerned about the way in which the schools are actively validating the “normalcy” of same-sex headed households,” one letter reads. “Each child came into existence with the union of a sperm and an egg, whether naturally or in a laboratory. While there may be many same-sex headed households that foster a loving and supportive environment for children, it is confusing and illogical to suggest to children that both adults in their home be referred to as mommies or daddies.”
In another, Lexington Town Meeting Member and Pastor of the Countryside Bible Chapel Jed Snyder wrote: “The Bible, God’s infallible Word, prohibits all sexual activity outside the traditional bonds of marriage between a man and woman… The Older Testament that is revered by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike also flatly denounces the practice of homosexuality.”
In the fall of 2004, the Estabrook School’s Back to School Night displayed – among other materials — information about the “diversity book bags” that children would take turns bringing home to read with their families. Estabrook parents David and Tonia Parker didn’t take notice of the bags until January, 2005 when Jacob Parker brought one home. It included the book Who’s in a Family?
In lieu of the included feedback form, David Parker sent a formal letter to Joni Jay, the principal of the Estabrook School.
Who’s in a Family, Parker wrote, included “lesbian and homosexual couples with children — implicitly equating this family structure as a morally equal alternative to other family constructs. We stand firmly against this book or any other subject matter pertaining to homosexuality ever being indoctrinated to our child, discussed in school, or sent home. We don’t believe gay parents constitute a spiritually healthy family and should not be celebrated.”
“Teaching children values and morals,” he wrote, was the parents‘ “sacred responsibility — whether the parents were heterosexual or homosexual. The public school system is there to teach reading, writing, arithmetic, science, music, art, and other school subjects.”
On January 21, 2005, Parker met with Principal Jay to request that they be notified before Jacob was exposed to any further discussions of homosexuality. Jay stated that the school had no legal obligation to notify parents in advance of such class discussions. In March, the Parkers repeated their request that “no teacher or adult expose [Jacob] to any materials or discussions featuring sexual orientation, same-sex unions, or homosexuality without notification to the Parkers and the right to ‘opt out,’ ” this time including in their communication then-Superintendent of Lexington’s schools William Hurley and two other district-wide administrators. This request was met with the same response.
They met again on April 27, 2005. This time, David Parker refused to leave the Estabrook premises until his demands were met, was arrested and refused to post the $40 bail. He spent one night in jail and made sure the media knew about it. The School Committee then obtained a restraining order to keep him off school property and Parker, with the help of MassResistance and other religiously conservative organizations, once again put Lexington in the national spotlight.
Then-governor Romney supported Parker. “We have in Massachusetts a parental notification statute specifically in matters related to human sexuality,” said Governor Mitt Romney — a presidential aspirant — that April. “If a parent wants to be informed of what is being taught in a classroom and wants to have their child withdrawn from the classroom for that portion of the class dealing with human sexuality, that parent has the right.”
“It was very stressful,” says Meg. “We needed to defend what we had.” Straight parents became active allies and joined with same-sex parents from all over the town to form a group called Lexington Cares. They received media training from a human rights organization and developed clear responses to recurring questions.
“David Parker had a group organizing for him that was very effective: it did start people asking about their questions. These needed to be answered,” Meg says. “It was simple, really. No one was promoting homosexuality, no one was talking about gay sex in kindergarten. Kindergarteners don’t think of sex when they talk about marriage or family, they think of dresses and parties and people.”
“My thinking was: you cannot exclude our family from the classroom discussion or materials without shaming my children and/or rendering them invisible. And what message would that send them, their classmates, and the kids who will one day figure out they are LGBTQ+,” Meg says.
“We were successful. The books continued to be read.”
That June, Fred Phelps, Pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas — who had picketed the funeral of Matthew Shepard, a gay college student who was brutally murdered in Laramie, Wyoming — came to Lexington to picket at Estabrook. His group also picketed in front of several Lexington churches and the Tsongas Arena in Lowell, MA, where Lexington High School held its graduation ceremonies. His family members held signs reading, “Fags Die, God Laughs,” and “AIDS Cures Fags.”
When they came to Estabrook, Principal Jay arranged for school buses and car drop offs to enter from a back street so that schoolchildren wouldn’t see the protesters and their signs on the street. When they came to the Lexington Green, the Westboro group was met with a counter-demonstration organized by ADL’s No Place for Hate. Unitarian Minister Bill Clark had trained people to stand with their backs turned and wall off the scene.
Later that summer, when David Parker and 15-20 of his supporters came to the Lexington Green, a counter-demonstration of Lexington parents, children and supporters came too. “Our turn-out was six times as large as Parker’s and my kids could see who the town really supported,” Meg says.
At the beginning of the 2005-6 school year, the superintendent released a public statement explaining that the school district would not provide parental notification for “discussions, activities, or materials that simply reference same-gender parents or that otherwise recognize the existence of differences in sexual orientation.”
In March 2006, another set of parents, the Wirthlins, joined the Parkers after their second-grader at Estabrook reported that his teacher read King and King to his class, a book about a prince who rejects several princesses to marry another prince.
On April 27, 2006, when the Oliveira Soens’ first set of twins were in middle school at Diamond and the younger set were still at Estabrook, the Parkers and the Wirthlins filed a lawsuit in federal district court on behalf of themselves and their children. The defendants were Bill Hurley, the interim Superintendent of Lexington Schools, the Town of Lexington, all the members of its school committee, and the teacher who had read King and King.
The lawsuit had the desired chilling effect on the school system. No teacher wanted to be sued. Inclusive books vanished from classes and libraries, and at least one teacher told a gay parent at the Bridge School that Mommy and Mama would no longer be used in the classroom for fear of being personally sued.
Parker v. Hurley was finally dismissed by Judge Mark Wolf in March of 2007. “Diversity is a hallmark of our nation,” he wrote. “It is reasonable for public educators to teach elementary school students about individuals with different sexual orientations and about various forms of families, including those with same-sex parents, in an effort to eradicate the effects of past discrimination, to reduce the risk of future discrimination and, in the process, to reaffirm our nation’s constitutional commitment to promoting mutual respect among members of our diverse society.”
The plaintiffs appealed and the suit went on for another year. In 2008, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the First Circuit ruled that a Massachusetts elementary school can continue using books that show families headed by same-sex couples. Parker appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court, but it declined to hear the case, upholding the dismissal by federal district and appellate courts.
“This is a very important victory for not only Lexington but also the United States,” said Lexington Superintendent Paul Ash at the time. “This case made clear that teachers should not fear being dragged into court for choosing important educational materials.”
By then, Meg was burnt out. She continued to work with teachers and the central office in developing a curriculum called Windows and Mirrors, but she felt shell-shocked. What helped her get through what felt like a war zone, she says, was the support from “straight parents and friends who cared for us at a very personal level and some members of the clergy who supported us.” Many were from Estabrook and Lexington’s First Parish Church, one of two Unitarian Universalist churches in town, which the Oliveira Soens joined when the children were toddlers.
Celia had been raised Catholic, Meg, Episcopalian, but by the time they met, both had fallen away from their churches. “We started going to First Parish because our neighbors were members,” recalls Celia. “And they had a children’s program during Sunday service so we could sit and actually have an hour to ourselves to think. It seemed to be more about community than about doctrine. You didn’t have to believe in God; it was open to Buddhists, Jews, Catholics and Protestants.”
Meg had always been interested in spiritual questions and she wanted to become the kind of person – “like the people who were supporting us” — who would stand up for others. So she decided to study for the ministry.
As the Parker lawsuit was making its way through the courts, Meg Soens was enrolled as a part-time student at the Andover-Newton Theological Seminary, working towards a Master of Divinity. She was ordained in 2012 at First Parish and the Unitarian Universalist Church of Reading. During that time, the Lexington school system adopted Windows and Mirrors, the program Meg worked on, in their potential diversity curriculum.
The four Oliveira Soens children graduated from Diamond Middle School, three moved through LHS and one to Cambridge School of Weston. All went on to college: two to Georgetown, one to Emory and one to Lesley. All are now happily partnered, gainfully employed and living in Worcester, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, and Sydney, where one son works for Quantas and arranges business class flight discounts to Australia for his parents. “We’re very lucky,” Celia says. “They come home to see us and we’re able to travel to see them.”
American attitudes toward same-sex marriage have changed considerably since Meg and Celia were married in 2004. On June 26, 2015, with the Supreme Court decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, marriage equality became the law. According to Gallup, over 70% of Americans now support it. But Celia and Meg take nothing for granted.
“Meg and I regularly talk about how blessed we are,” says Celia. “But, honestly, over my first cup of coffee every day I scan the news for any incoming attacks on LGBTQ people and our rights. Meg and I are in our retirement years now and these attacks will primarily affect younger people. For their sake we can’t take anything for granted.” Celia says this feeling is especially poignant since Roe v. Wade was reversed in 2022. “All it would take is another Supreme Court decision to toss everything we’ve gained in the last few decades out the window.”
Meg appreciates that her work in the schools perhaps played a small role in change over time. Lexington Public Schools now has a formal curriculum called Serious Talks that includes LGBTQ+ families and stories. “When this was announced, some people tried to intimidate the schools just as they had in 2006,” Meg says. “But at an August 2023 meeting, 85-90% of the people in attendance supported the curriculum. The administration didn’t back down. I was so happy,” she says.
“I am really grateful to have lived here.”
Every society needs people who – despite a myriad of challenges and even, threats – raise their voices and hearts to speak up for equality, for equity, and most of all, for the importance of the saving power of love. Meg and Celia are two such people. Their courage and resilient commitment to do what is right for ALL people has helped to make our town stronger and more inclusive, by far. I bow in gratitude to them for all they have done – for all of us.
I worked with Meg during the Lexington CARES effort and I can confirm that the hate we were fighting affected her greatly and that she fought on anyway. I and many other allies were happy to take on the work to support her and our other LGBTQ+ friends and neighbors. We are a better community today because of Meg and Celia.
Thank-you so much for your courage! My late brother lived in Virginia with his same-sex partner until my brother died of a sudden stroke in 2007. They were never able to marry, my then 87 year old father had to sign as next-of-kin for my brother’s body to be released to the funeral home. I grew up in Maryland, but my paternal ancestors and my dad were from Massachusetts, where there’s a family cemetery plot in a small Massachusetts town. We decided to have my brother’s remains buried in that plot…it was a great comfort to us to travel back to Massachusetts to have his remains buried in what I called “free soil”. Thank-you for representing all lgbtq folks and loved ones! As an aside, whatever happened to the Parker and Wirthlins kids? Or the kids from Estabrook that finished up and graduated. I’m assuming the sky didn’t fall, which would make for an interesting story.